Stop right there,That's exactly where I lost IT.See that line,I never should have crossed it.Stop right there,I never should have said that.It's the very moment that I wish I could take back.
-"Who I am hates who I've been"
-Reliant K
I've been reading Craig Groeschel's book "IT". IT is the hard to define quality that we see in Christian leaders and ministries. IT us hard to define but easy to see and unmistakable when IT's present. It has been a defining experience for me. And it got me to thinking about 10 years ago when I unquestionably lost IT.
A little over ten years ago I recognized a call to ministry, specifically Student ministry. I was a Junior in High School. I walked out of the doors of High School oozing with IT. I enrolled in Howard Payne University majoring in Christian Studies ready to carry my IT into the world and make a radical difference for Christ. But, unknown to me at the time, my IT was fading. Less than 2 years from enrolling in HPU I changed majors and schools to live my life like I wanted. Where did IT go? and why?
Quite simply, I didn't care at the time. But looking back, it's almost embarrassing how I let IT get away. As you could quickly guess, if I made you, It centered on a girl. Surprise, and 18 year old guy got all screwed up over a girl.
I want to be very clear. My discombobulation was my fault. Not hers. No one is responsible for my misplacing of my IT but me.
I met her the 4th day of my senior year at lunch. We had an almost identical desire to make Jesus famous. That night I saw her again at a planning meeting for a campus ministry that her church and my church were planing together. I pursued her recklessly for months and finally convinced her I was not a lunatic but a decent guy. We became friends and before long we were dating.
I spent every moment I could with her. When I wasn't with her, I was thinking about her. As the adage goes, "I was smitten. I was in deep smit." She became my world. And that was the problem.
When I left for college in August she still had a year left in High School. I moved 5 hours away to chase God and left my heart and my mind in Garland. For a year, I traveled back home every chance I could to see her...not every weekend or anything, but pretty often. I was working with a church near college as a Youth Director. I would leave Brownwood on Thurs. after class, (I arranged my schedule so I didn't have Fri. classes) and head to Garland. I'd spend the weekend with her and then jump in my Jeep on Saturday night or very early Sunday morning and race to teach a Sunday school lesson I had not prepared for. When summer came around, I left the Pastor in charge of the summer program so I could move back home and work at the pool I lifeguarded at....with her.
Now, you tell me...why did I lose IT? Was it having a girlfriend? Nope, not at all...if fact I think God had put her in my path, and He's not trying to drag my IT out of me. The issue was one of priority. If the decision came down to God or her I didn't even stop to think and pray about it. I did what I wanted. She became my world.
When she finished High School, she enrolled at HPU. After 4 days in Brownwood she expressed a desire to live her college experience without being tied to someone. She dumped me. And it wrecked my whole world. I went through the darkest period of my life because a 19 year old girl rejected me. I gave up on God's plan. He had taken away more than I was willing to give up. The church I was working with asked me to take a step back and get my head on straight. I got angry and stopped doing anything with the students there. I decided I wanted to be an actor so I made a hasty decision to change majors. (really hasty...I walked into Greek one day as a Christian Studies Major and walked out a Drama Major) As the semester drew to an end I decided to change schools all together.
In December of 1999, I took God's plan for my life and tossed IT in the trash. And left IT there for almost 10 years.
But take heart, I got IT back. Stay tuned....
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